Over the past two weeks Andreea & I have been testing FEM with a few users from Romania. This past weekend we completed the work and introduced an English version. This is by no means an end, it is merely a stop on the way but it feels like a good place to stop, appreciate, embrace and share. There are numerous energies that led us to this point – they all seem to start about a year after Andreea & I met.

Subject Matter

Andreea initially trained in Aromatherapy. She had amazing luck and got to study in intimate settings with two of the most prominent teachers in Israel. She worked in various circles as a masseuse for some time. Over time she focused on working with women. She then trained as a doula – a strange word I learned to admire – describing a servant role to a woman giving birth. She also trained in some specialized techniques for women and pregnancy. She has also studied and applied in her life the Fertility Awareness Method. This is all fueled and intertwined with her personal ambitions and journey of discovery.

During these years I completed my training as a Yoga therapist. We have over the years developed a common interest, shared perception (and some differences as well) and vocabulary in which we approach our own lives and the lives of people we encounter in therapeutic settings.

Going Online

About 2 years ago Andreea started a  blog in hebrew (Nashiyut) dedicated to femininity, fertility & pregnancy.  Though the blog has some unique content and accumulated a readership – it has not struck a cord with a resounding and motivating resonance. This led her to seek online connections in her birth country – Romania. There she found a resonance that pulled her in.

About 4 months ago we setup Feminitate – the online equivalent of her hebrew blog. This time she encountered a thirsty, supportive and responsive community. She responded in kind and most of her attention and work since then has been invested in Feminitate.

Not long after that (shortly after we moved to Elkosh) she tried to setup a simple tool that she could share online to bring the Fertility Awareness Method to women in Romania. She tried creating something in excel and a PDF document that could be printed out. When she consulted with me on it I (maybe a little brutally?) put down her efforts and my mind quickly starting thinking about an alternative.

Over the new few weeks we talked about what such an application should look like (Andreea had used some existing online tools and we wanted to do something different – and hopefully better). I then did some initial sketches of the basic UI concept and soon after got to work on developing the application.

The objective was to develop a tool in Romanian – a language I neither speak or read.  So from the start we approached FEM as a multilingual tool – initially so (a) I can develop in English and (b) we could easily translate to Romanian. We now have the capability to easily translate FEM into practically any left-to-right language. This has empowered us to reach more women and we definitely inted to put this to use.

Technology

The technology issue is for me an amazing perspective on, of all things, faith. Though I had a long IT/technology career I did very little development (because I never really liked – and still don’t!). I do have good foundations and experience in systems analysis, SQL databases, software architecture and user experience. I had absolutely no experience coding in a web-environment. So how did FEM happen?

WordPress – 3 years ago I encountered wordpress and made my first steps in online hosting (a place to install and run the blog) and basic HTML/CSS/PHP to get some degree of control over the look of the blog. As I built a few more blogs I gained more control and experience using these tools. WordPress has a special place in my heart.

SweetClarity – this project was born from my involvement in creative exploration over the past few years – my heart and soul are in it and is intended to affect the flow in inspiration on a global scale. If you don’t get it, it’s OK, most of the business people we encountered didn’t either. SweetClarity was founded in the summer of 2007. An initial demo system was implemented using an affordable content server and a little paid custom development. The project continued to evolve and we did not manage to secure any funds. So for ~6 months I searched for developers who would be willing to join the project without pay. When this didn’t work I relcutantly decided to brace myself and get to work.

Lynda – I came across Lynda when I reviewed a CV I received from a developer who was looking for paid work. I have always been an independent learner and Lynda was just what I needed. I took courses in HTML, PHP, CSS, Javascript, Flex/AS3 and more. I was learning as I go and going as I learned and in i6 months SweetClarity was reborn. It is made up of 4 systems: HTML editing environment, HTML adminitstrative tools, front-end Flash player and a web wrapper. It turned out to be quite a bit of code (and I still consider it a pilot system).

A few weeks before we moved to Elkosh I decided to set SweetClarity aside. I was transferring personal financial pressures onto SweetClarity and the people who were trying to help. I realized this was wrong and decided to let it breathe. I focused on packing a house and preparing to move. Then not long after we finished unpacking the last crates – FEM emerged and began to consume most of our time.

My technological learning curve is motivated by my passion and tempered by my (lack of) patience for technology. I studied enough to achieve my goals. I do appreciate and recognize good development – so I know that my technological work is mediocre, but I also know where it can approve. This is how I improve from one project to the next and within project iterations.

Project Management

Hahaha  – there was a systemic lack of it. One of the reasons I left my technology career was the hypocrisy of project management. Everyone talked about being on schedule and being in budget, nobody ever was and quality was always left out because of blind adherence to fashionable management ideas.

A new learning began with SweetClarity but really escalated during the development of FEM. When I was working on SweetClarity everything was open ended. FEM is more specific and condensed and also taking place under even more financial pressures – with a more impressionable limit.

I learned that all the pressures I was experiencing have very little to do with the work at hand – and should not affect it. I would often notice how a pressure to “finish” awakens in me and how that pressure creeps into my heart and my fingertips – and suddenly I am under pressure, not enjoying my work and messing things up.

I made it a point to take my time. I made it a point to do physical work in the land around the house or take walks. I rested when I felt like resting. I took days off when I either felt I needed them or reminded by Andreea that I needed to. I always answered “I don’t know” when people asked when we would be finished. I made it a point to take my time and not to push myself.

In under 2 months we thought up a product, planned, designed, developed, tested and deployed it – and we didn’t let any management ideas get in the way of enjoying life while doing it.

Business

It was Andreea that took the first step in changing the “business” aspect of her life. She was the first to become an independent worker – not on anybody’s payroll, I passionately supported her – I didn’t want her to make unnecesssary compromises and sacrifices I felt I had made in pursuing a “steady” career. I always feared that this was an impossible and painful bureaucratic process. When she took the first step we both learned it wasn’t that painful. Her experience paved the way for my first steps of independence.

When I left my career I had grown tired of the experience I had come to know of “doing business”. I was amused that artistic exploration brought me full circle and made me face it again with SweetClarity.

I love that change is coming. I love that wide-spread ideas of business, thought up by really smart people are crumbling. I am beginning to develop a new sense of what business may be, but I don’t yet know what it is.

I love that we have been able to create something useful. I love that I have been able to put into it all of my skills – from Yoga to HTML. I love that is was born in the country-side. I love that Andreea & I can be together at home and work passionately on a project together. I love feeling and believing that all this work can also translate into a relationship with the world and an exchange of energy that will support us and provide us with the freedom to continue pursuing our lives.  This can tell you something about what I think business can be and will become.

FEM

The name FEM was born when I needed a temporary place holder. We didn’t talk about a name but I needed something to act as a design as placeholder. FEM is the first 3 letters of the word Feminitate and also a prefix of the same word in english (and I am guessing other languages). When I placed it on the screen, I called out to Andreea and told her the application is called “FEM” and so it came to be.

When I worked with Andreea on translating some texts from Romanian to english I noticed the close relationship between FEM and FAM (Fertility Awareness Method). This is a welcome side-effect

Personal

So much to say – I am not sure where to start, what to leave in and what to leave out. I will try to let this flow as it may.

All this has happened in a difficult and challenging period for Andreea, myself and our shared life. When we first met Andreea was a foreign national. Our growing relationship encountered an menacing obstacle – her visa expired. The only way for us to continue to pursue our relationship was for us to get married. But, in Israel this is not possible – there are only religious marriages. So we found ourselves in battling the state of Israel – both it’s unclear essence (a Jewish state?) and political bureaucracy. After a year of fighting the ministry of internal affairs – we lost. Andreea left to Romania (she left as an illegal alien and her passport was stamped by a smiling government official telling her she would never be able to return) to arrange her papers, we met in Cyprus to get officially married, she went back to Romania and I returned to Israel (leaving her stands out as a very difficult moment in my life). We both prayed that a recently instated civil process would allow me to have her brought back to Israel – luckily it did. She was back in a month. Since then we were required to visit the ministry of internal affairs once a year to validate the authenticity of our marriage. Last summer this process came to an end – and Andreea received her citizenship.

In the sumer of 2006 I left behind my career and the salary that came with it. I realized that I was not making any substantial financial progress and I was not enjoying myself. I decided to give my a self an enjoying life. Within a week I met Shahar and have been since immersed in magic – a substantial part of it is expressed through StillCreation. SweetClarity was also born in this process.

Since then both Andreea & I have been pursuing our passions.  Though we both had some income during this period we have been largely living off savings – which are running out (as all savings do). I know this has been difficult for Andreea – but don’t want to speak on her behalf. I can say that this has brought me face to face with two amazing forces: fear and faith. As I write these words both are dancing within me. Right now faith has the upper hand.

Pregnancy

I have often, in teaching, talking and writing about Yoga, bring up a core idea that Yoga is a system dedicated to a study of mind and not as it usualy mistakenly associated with body. An inspiring idea that Yoga has to offer about pregnancy is that it occurs in the minds of two people before it manifests in the body of one.

I think that it is safe to say that the greatest dividing issue in our relationship continues to be a child.  When Andreea & I set out on our shared path I was fearful and against even talking about children. Today I am still afraid but also curious and open to the idea. On a good day you can even catch me admiting I want it. A few years ago two people on two separate occasions indicated to us they perceive an aura of our future child nearby. It made me angry but now I am happy and embrace it. When people ask me if we have children I say that we do in soul but not yet in body.

Pregnancy is indeed in in mind before in body. We have been pregnant for a long time. I have faith that the birth of FEM will soon create a space for it to occur in body as well.

The curtains were on hand and ready for hanging – but to do it I needed some accessories. This was a new “shopping” project. It required that I go out and buy some hanging accessories from the hardware store – two wooden ceiling hangers and a 3 meter wooden pole. (Actually this project is a bit more elaborate because I tried to make the trip to the hardware store effective – to get some more things we needed for other “projects”). When the “shopping” project was done I was standing next to my car wondering how the hell I am going to fit a 3 meter pole in it. It didn’t fit. So I had to drive with the pole sticking outside the back window that was rolled open to accommodate it.  The “hanging” project then resumed – I drilled holes in the ceiling (which I don’t like doing – it’s difficult and messy), screwed in the hangers. Andreea prepared the curtain on the pole and I climbed up to the ladder to slide it into the hangers. Yey! Then we looked at the curtains and realized they looked silly – they were too short – they did not reach the floor (apparently this ceiling is higher then the ceiling in the previous house).  So a new “curtain relocation” project was born… and on and on the story goes.

If I am passionate about the “project” I am working on – then it will motivate me in taking on and resolving the additional “projects” that come up.  If I am not passionate about a “project” – then I will give up at one point or another (sometimes I won’t even get started). The more passionate I am about a “project” – the more it is likely to lead to other “projects”. This is the way it is with me – the things I am really passionate about are usually very challenging and take a lot of effort and commitment.

The project I am most passionate about as I write these words is SweetClarity. SweetClarity feels like an impossible project – I have been pursuing it for almost two years and there is sign of coming relief. It just keeps presenting more and more challenging “projects”. Yet nothing (and there are powerful forces acting on me and SweetClarity) seems to be able to diminish my drive and commitment to it.  It seems as if the “impossibility” of the SweetClarity Project is fueling my drive and motivations. It is a powerful context in my life as it provides me with substance and direction. Though I do want to succeed in realizing SweetClarity – I am embracing the contribution it has already made in my life.

Maybe this is an expression of Dharma?

Do you have impossible goals in your life?

This process will come into focus as a performance on February 12th at Tmuna Theatre in Tel-Aviv at 20:00. I will be there though my role remains a mystery and surprise. If you are in the area please do come. This is a rare occasion.

Over the past two years I have been immersed in creative exploration of art that is dedicated to inspiration, art that embraces and commits to a present moment – over and over again. In it I found an opportunity to experience quality – and ironically I found myself reinstating the word God. I have said many times and truly believe that when beautiful images occur before me and are captured through me – it is the work of God. My work is more about not-doing, not getting in the way, remaining present, being there when divine expression takes place.

When I left my last steady/paying job over two years ago I was scared. For the first two weeks I was scared about money and where it would come from. Then that fear was replaced by another fear – which surprised me. I was scared that my endeavor to become independent would fail and that I would have to return to an office and to the suffering that created for me. This morning, as I read a few more pages in Gopi Krishna’s Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man, as he describes his decision to leave his government job – I came across these words:

“The secluded corner of a busy office room, throbbing with noiseless activity and tense with subdued excitement was not a place where a man now constantly preoccupied with the unseen, could pass several hours at a stretch always at the call of others, without running the risk of serious injury to his mental health.”

As I read these words – a realization crystallized within me. Though I did not know to say it, or consciously recognize it, two years ago I set out on a journey of renunciation from the chains of the material world. I have since not had steady income and I am living off savings that are thinning out. Almost every initiative I have been involved in since has had two unrelenting qualities: (1) I believed in it, I was passionate about it and believed that it is good (as in quality); (2) it did not include any short-term financial remuneration (the long-term has yet to reveal itself).

I am reshaping my life into simplicity and peace. I have moved out of a small city into a village and am soon moving even further away to an even smaller and more remote location. Money was once a primary excuse (to myself and to people around me) for not wanting children. Now that I have no money nor a promise for that to change – I find myself entertaining thoughts and wishes about bringing a child into the world.

It now seems that my second fear was not so much about independence but rather about freedom – a freedom to pursue that which matters most to me. I lived most of my life in difficulty, pushing against the currents, sad and depressed – but for some (divine?) reason – I did not give up. Though the last two years are tainted with fears about money and basic survival – those fears are overshadowed by a prevailing sense of happiness, gratitude, hope and faith.

SweetClarity is a project that was born during this period of transition. It is first and foremost about inspiration and art – yet it’s artistic aspirations are founded in business. It is business which can create for  SweetClarity the freedom it needs to become. From within my private bubble of exploration I have been able to re-embrace the idea of business and to give it meaningful context. Business is that part of SweetClarity which is able to reach out from the core of quality and to interface with and touch the lives of  others. Business is for SweetClarity as the mind (sanskrit: Cit) and senses are for the soul (sanskrit: Cita) – without the mind commanding the senses and the body the soul cannot venture out and experience the world. It is a core duality from which conscious experience emanates.

I do not know, nor care to explain what it is that I am committed to in this life – though that commitment now shines clearly before me. SweetClarity is a preoccupation I have taken up and it creates a space for me to stay curiously engaged with the world. It inevitably reflects my inner workings. I am amused and curious that it is in the arena of “business” that I choose to pursue that which matters most.

Both of the images embedded in this post are of Ilay – an inspiring performer who seems to express with me and for me things that resonate deep inside.

As I was driving home with my wife (that word again!) I shared with her an image that came to me right there and then. My experience these days is as if reality is squeezing me into a tighter and tighter spot. It seems to be getting smaller and smaller. Yet I want and need to experience life with plenty of space. So I am surrendering to this shrinking bubble that’s wrapping me and “shrinking” myself – so that I still have a sense of space within my perceived limitations.

This morning as I was sitting on the beach I had a glimpse of some clarity. I recalled a fractal image I read about and saw many years ago (Chaos: Making a New Science) and as I drew it in the sand the shrinking metaphor (and I) expanded …

Living in a Fractal

How can you get inifinite length in a finite area? an example of a fractal called the Koch Flake demonstrates this. The idea is to start with a equilateral triangle and then replace the middle third of every line segment with a pair of line segments that form an equilateral “bump”. You repeat this over and over again – infinitely. Everytime you do this the perimeter of the shape lengthens by one third – the result is an inifinite perimeter. Yet the area will remain finite.

Infinite spirit in a finite body (and very finite bank account). Though I am feeling very “compressed” and limited within the current circumstances of my life, I am also feeling an ongoing expansion. I still manage (with varying efforts) to find and create a sense of space regardless of any constraints. It helps me to remember this – otherwise I could wind up in a pretty miserable state. I waver – but I am expanding!

On a sidenote you might want to check out this interesting lecture on Fractal architecture in Africa!

Playing the Stereo to Loud

I used to listen to music very loud – and was rather picky about my stereo equipment (I was never quite an audiophile – but I was on my way). Today I am much less picky (maybe as a result of that compression) – though I still do appreciate good sound. Audio professionals know that their equipment (mainly speakers and amplifiers) works best when they are used well within their specified capabilities/limits.

For example – if I’ve got speakers (or an amplifier) that can go to 100watts (RMS for the picky readers) – the sound they produce is probably best when they are working at less then half of that potential. That means that if I want to listen to about 30watts worth of volume – I should get a 100w speaker. Once I go beyond a certain point the sound may get louder but the quality begins to drop (and then drops rapidly when it goes higher and higher). There is a “technological comfort zone” where it works best – beyond it, it will work – but with a compromise in quality.

I have been working (trying to be careful not to push) at my limits. I am doing all I can to advance SweetClarity – this includes photpgraphy, editing, development, testing, authoring, business development – what not. I realized this morning – that this is OK – it will work (as do the speakers) but the quality is compromised. Or if to rephrase that in a constructive way – things can be done better! This is something that I want to achieve for SweetClarity – I want to do it better! I don’t feel well when I work at my limits – I manage it – but it isn’t where I want to constantly be.

A sidenote on comfort zones – I have encountered people and theories that talk about “leaving your comfort zone”. Though I appreciate their insights – I find them to be half a truth at best. I am all for leaving my own  comfort zone – but I believe that my point of departure should be deep within my comfort zone. I operate best (creatively at least – since that’s what’s matters to me most) when I am inside my comfort zone. The better rooted I am in my comfort zone – the further I can catapult out of it into experiences I could never have dreamt about – let alone approached in a “safe and comfortable” way.

(what the heck do I know about) World Economics

I feel relatively isolated from the ongoing “global financial crisis” – that’s one of the benefits of being small and isolated – less strings between me and the world – so I feel less pull. Yet I feel that something good is happening – good is difficult – it is nevery easy. The world is (continuously) getting better.

I have shed many things in my life that I did not need – I am moving into a more basic and simpler way of living – a better one. Many people are losing their jobs - this surely creates much friction and suffering. But to me it also indicates that maybe a lot of those people (directly or indirectly) were doing things the “world” doesn’t really need. Apparently the “world” is shedding them – it can do without them. In Yoga – friction can be translated as Tapas - and tapas is an energy with which one can work to create change. It’s irritating – but without it… well… there is a sticky heaviness.

I can’t understand most of the dynamics of world economics – I never really took much interest. Yet I feel that something was(and still is) dysfunctional - there is a lot of misapprehension. I feel that the western world (the one in which I apparently chose to live this life) has been riding a wave of industrialization. That wave, like many other things, has been both functional and dysfunctional. It seems to have been gathering momentum and gravitating into the dysfunctional (which was part of the reason I left my career behind – I wanted to get away from this). So it’s time to move on, time to change… and change is never easy. Not too long ago – it was common social practice to chop off heads and to hang people. At some point that became an irrelevant practice – things have changed. Things are changing. The change occuring now is fundemental – hence the shockwaves. I also feel It is mostly about perpection, and perception tends to exaggerate – and so the perception of shocwaves is exaggerated.

But I don’t really know much about these things. I can barely get my head around my personal life… and if to be honest (with myself) – I really like it like that.

I’ve subscribed to Lynda – an online training service…where they seem to have many of the courses I need to get back into things (and it only costs $25 per month with unlimited access). I originally had a list of 3 topics to cover:

• HTML
• CSS
• PHP

As I have begun to dig deeper into these technologies the list expanded to include:

• Javascript
• CodeIgniter (this is a PHP framework I chose to use – it is not covered in Lynda’s course).

I have completed the HTML course, I am almost through the PHP course and I am midway into the CSS course and now the list has grown to include

• AJAX

Additional topics that are on hold  include Adobe flash related technologies – but these really can wait (I am praying that by the time they become relevant we’ll have a capable developer on board to take this off my hands completely):

• Flash
• Flex
• AIR

I am thankful that I don’t need to fuss around much with Apache and that my previous SQL experience is relevant and applicable to MySQL – otherwise those would be on the list as well.

My head is bursting with information – I have been shooting straight through for about a week. Thankfully it is holding together because I know why I need these technologies and how they come together to enable me to do what I need to do. There is a context and each technology plays a role within that context and is an enabler on the way.

I also greatly appreciate how far these technologies have come and how mature they are methodoligically. Though it is a lot to learn, development feels more streamlined and mature then it did when I last fiddled with it some years ago. I am actually looking forward to start coding. This will probably happen in the next few days.

One thing that caught my attention in this performance was how the performers matured in their relationship to costume. People were making many conscious choices – going into details and really shaping a space for a character to appear. To the best of my knowledge Lorena and Lucia did not coordinate their costumes. When I saw them standing against this wall together I had an immediate intuition that something was happening and as my intent began to close in on them – I knew I was going to be a part of it. A door was opened for me to partake in this intense performance piece and hopefully images. Once again I invite you to turn on your speakers for a rich experience.

Magic!

Shelly – thank you for taking an interest and sharing – your attention inspired this post.